Wanting God?

          Not long ago a family I barely knew lost one of their children in a tragic accident. His sudden death staggered hundreds of his friends, family members, and even acquaintances. People who barely knew him grieved over it, myself included. I had only met and visited with Jimmy maybe twice before, but in that short time it became extremely  evident that this young man had the deepest love for the Father of anyone I had ever known.

          But it was at his funeral that I was blown away with how truly absorbed he was in that love. He most certainly was NOT settling for good  in that heavenly relationship. He always said that his life purpose was to bring everyone he came in contact with closer to Jesus. According to all the people who knew him best, his actions portrayed the truth of his claim. He witnessed to everyone, followed the smallest promptings of the Holy Spirit, and devoured the Word like it was his life... In short, he was desperately in love with God. He was desperate to have Him in his life.

          I remember sitting there in the front pew as the worship filled the sanctuary, absorbed with thoughts of how much I wished that I wanted God as much as Jimmy wanted Him. I had to wonder if it came naturally to Jimmy. Did he have to choose to sit and read the Bible like I do, or did he have an appetite for it? He seemed to have such a deep, genuine desire... and I prayed. "God, why don't I want you like that? I can do all the right things, say all the right words, force myself to pursue You in actions... but how do I create a desire? I want to want You more!"

          It's a complicated theology when you try to figure out  the root of desire and the nature of man. Try to couple it with free will and self control and you have a real humdinger of an intellectual discussion. After all, sin has taken it's toll on our natural appetites, but then some people seem to have tapped into some secret vault of desire that is actually directed towards a rightful source. But as much time as I can spend trying to formulate, God blew all theology away when He answered my questions.

          You know what He said? "Jessica... you do want me."

          It took me back. I didn't believe Him, even started to argue. "No, I don't, God. At least not like I want to! Not like Jimmy did..."

          But He wouldn't budge. (Imagine that!) "Yes you do. You want me just as much as he ever did. You want me more than you know, more than you want anything else, more passionately than you can fathom. You just don't know it!"

          And suddenly, I got it. Everything that I pursue in life I pursue because I want something. Cliche, I know, but there's a God-sized hole in my heart. I do want God... I just don't know it.

         Jimmy knew what he wanted. He went after It.

         THAT is what I want to do!

          More on this later... I've thought about it a lot since then :)

The World is Calling

          I want to take a few moments to talk to all the girls out there who are being bombarded every day with lies about who they are and what is important in life. Namely, perfect hair, flawless skin, mannequin size bodies with Barby size proportions, and all the right moves. And please don't stop reading, ladies, even if you think you are above having self-esteem issues, because, I assure you, I once thought I was too. I was a confident, chunky 15-year-old (okay, I admit it, I did hate my acne) who was perfectly fine with no make-up and the signature ponytail. Then I began to notice a boy... yes, one boy imparticular ;) and the transformation began.

           The Christian community has gotten pretty good over the years about teaching girls that the inside is really what matters about a person. Now we know all the right things to say, both to ourselves and to the girls around us. And it is desperately needed because the world is calling our names, wooing us to believe differently.

          I remember the first time I got bowled over with my first bout of a real life self-esteem deficit. It was rough. I could count off all of the things about me I didn't like to a 'T' and that's all I saw. And on top of all the negative vibe I was giving myself, I felt extremely guilty because good Christian girls aren't supposed to have this problem. We are supposed to be totally focused on what God thinks of us, what the inside looks like, and shouldn't care about fitting in at all. 

          It's too bad we actually have a sin nature, huh?

          Last night, a couple of hours of watching Angelina Joelle rock the movie scenes plus the reality T.V. show portraying pre-teen dancers who did have all the right moves (don't know what the draw to that stupidity is...) had me going down that road again. All of the perfection on that screen blew away all of my confidence when I know all the imperfections of me. And what an opportunity for Satan to go to work in my mind.

          Thankfully, I have a husband who can sincerely build me up and to whom I can go with any, however unreasonable, fears. But the real battle is still in the mind... I have to choose to believe something about myself and what is real.

          The world is calling us, ladies, to fit in. It wants us to dress a certain way, do our hair correctly, make sure our make-up is in place, and work our bodies into shapes that simply will not be realized in the real world most of us live in. And our natural drive is to fit in! Perhaps especially as women, our need to be included is a strong driving force. We desperately want to heed that call.

          But the Lord is calling us as well, ladies. 

         I'm not sure I'm going to be able to adequetly articulate what all these verses spoke to me last night as they came ot mind. But I hope that, as you read them, they will be ingrained on your memories so that, when you face your esteem challenge, you will be adequetly prepared to face the enemy in your own mind.

James 4:4 " ⁴ Ye adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whosoever therefore would be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. "

Romans 12:1-4 "¹ I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service.

 ² And be not fashioned according to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, and ye may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

 ³ For I say, through the grace that was given me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think as to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to each man a measure of faith"