This Is Me...

I’m torn by some of my readings of this year. Broken over issues the Spirit has revealed to me. Devestated by the suffering my eyes are slowly being opened to. Sickened by my own disregard to those who are in its grasp.

In the last year I successfully read my way through David Platt’s ‘Radical’, Kyle Idleman’s ‘Not a Fan’, James MacDonald’s ‘Vertical Church’, Mark Batterson’s ‘Primal’ and Jen Hatmaker’s ‘7’. The Word of the Lord in James, the first three chapters of Revelation, various portions of the prophets, plus the ‘pulling no punches’ red letters of Jesus have pricked my heart. First I tried to ignore it but now I am learning to listen to and fully embrace it. My heart is hurting for my country and, more specifically, those within it who believe they are on the path to life; like me.

Mark 10 tells the story of the rich young ruler’s encounter with Jesus. After explaining all the good things he has done he is confronted with one glaring blind spot. His greed. And that one spot was one he wasn’t willing to turn away from. As he turned to leave, Jesus spoke words that ought to strike fear in almost every American heart. “How difficult it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of heaven.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken that passage and used it in a lesson. I’ve urged youth to give it all (or at least be willing to give it all… because who are we kidding? We always have a mental asterisk by these verses that says ‘Jesus isn’t telling everyone to sell what they have and give to the poor… but He might’.) Usually, these lessons are supplemented with quotes from the afore mentioned books encouraging radical sacrifice and living.

Then I go home and spend my Sunday afternoon sitting on my soft couch watching t.v. with my husband in our new home, stuffing my face from any of the readily available food choices from my pantry and feeling good about myself because I did a good job of ‘not watering down the gospel’. I don’t want to make fake, wimpy followers of Christ.

But all along there’s been a tension. Frustration has been growing and for awhile I laid it on other people’s shoulders. I blamed the state of the church, this fat and sassy American Christianity that tends to think they have it all figured out but which does so little true good in the world. And then the Spirit spoke to me. “You are the church,” He said. “You are the problem. You are right to grieve over others… but you can only act to change your own life.”

This is me… tired of reading about radicalism and feeling inspired but doing nothing. This is me... tired of wanting to do something and not knowing how. This is me… tired of dreaming about things changing and then going on about my life as normal because I’m afraid of change. This is me… the average, American, church-going small town girl with a smoldering determination to go against the flow.

And finally… this is me with a plan.

This will be a year of fasting, following the model given by Hatmaker in ‘7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess’. It will be a year of giving, following as the Lord leads and investing my efforts to raise money for the revealed causes. It will be a year of learning as I study new issues and open my mind to consider the things so often brushed under the rug. It will be a year of self-examination and discomfort as I push out of my comfort zone. And hopefully, it will yield a harvest of growth in my spiritual life, contentment, joy, and purpose that I have yet to experience in my blessed life.