Wanting God?

          Not long ago a family I barely knew lost one of their children in a tragic accident. His sudden death staggered hundreds of his friends, family members, and even acquaintances. People who barely knew him grieved over it, myself included. I had only met and visited with Jimmy maybe twice before, but in that short time it became extremely  evident that this young man had the deepest love for the Father of anyone I had ever known.

          But it was at his funeral that I was blown away with how truly absorbed he was in that love. He most certainly was NOT settling for good  in that heavenly relationship. He always said that his life purpose was to bring everyone he came in contact with closer to Jesus. According to all the people who knew him best, his actions portrayed the truth of his claim. He witnessed to everyone, followed the smallest promptings of the Holy Spirit, and devoured the Word like it was his life... In short, he was desperately in love with God. He was desperate to have Him in his life.

          I remember sitting there in the front pew as the worship filled the sanctuary, absorbed with thoughts of how much I wished that I wanted God as much as Jimmy wanted Him. I had to wonder if it came naturally to Jimmy. Did he have to choose to sit and read the Bible like I do, or did he have an appetite for it? He seemed to have such a deep, genuine desire... and I prayed. "God, why don't I want you like that? I can do all the right things, say all the right words, force myself to pursue You in actions... but how do I create a desire? I want to want You more!"

          It's a complicated theology when you try to figure out  the root of desire and the nature of man. Try to couple it with free will and self control and you have a real humdinger of an intellectual discussion. After all, sin has taken it's toll on our natural appetites, but then some people seem to have tapped into some secret vault of desire that is actually directed towards a rightful source. But as much time as I can spend trying to formulate, God blew all theology away when He answered my questions.

          You know what He said? "Jessica... you do want me."

          It took me back. I didn't believe Him, even started to argue. "No, I don't, God. At least not like I want to! Not like Jimmy did..."

          But He wouldn't budge. (Imagine that!) "Yes you do. You want me just as much as he ever did. You want me more than you know, more than you want anything else, more passionately than you can fathom. You just don't know it!"

          And suddenly, I got it. Everything that I pursue in life I pursue because I want something. Cliche, I know, but there's a God-sized hole in my heart. I do want God... I just don't know it.

         Jimmy knew what he wanted. He went after It.

         THAT is what I want to do!

          More on this later... I've thought about it a lot since then :)